Archive for May, 2012

Be Assertive – Victims complain

Posted on May 6, 2012. Filed under: Professionalism | Tags: , , , , |

Be AssertiveVictims complain

Assertiveness is an aspect of communication skill which is more than often mistaken for attitude and behavior. Although all communication aspects (like confidence & assertiveness) are outcome of our own behavior; assertiveness is a communication skill reflecting one’s own attitudes.

You pay for non-assertiveness for a long time but assertiveness pays immediately!!! Assertiveness is a very essential trait; every one of us must possess and practice.

Lets understand how, why and when of assertiveness. When you feel clobbered by your own emotions resulting into feeling ‘victimized’ – make sure you need to be assertive. When you don’t assert, you are taken for granted – with your consent. Then, instead of facing the person and communicating assertively, we tend to take the easier route – feel victimized.

Drill these two things in mind for Assertiveness:

  1. Assertiveness is needed not only in relations where the other person is in the commanding position like your boss, our elders and others. But in every relation so that you are not taken for granted by anybody and this gives a big boost to your self esteem.
  2. The other person is NOT taking advantage of you, you are letting him!!! Because of your non-assertiveness. If you ‘think – the person is taking advantage of you’ or ‘you feel are being victimized’ – STOP blaming the other person because you’ve given the consent.

Feeling victimized is a very easy and luring option for any situation and relationship. Because when you ‘feel’ victimized, you anticipate empathy and hence your ‘attention seeking’ craving is satiated. But you pay a very high price later by falling prey to this insignificant craving and temporary satiation. Assertiveness is not being aggressive but standing for your own self (esteem) and demanding what you deserve.

We perceive assertiveness to be very hard to be practiced. This is because we’ve already taken the back seat of ‘being a victim’.

Another crucial aspect where passive people fail is ‘assumption’. Passive people ‘assume’ that the other person must ‘understand’. This thought itself is self-contradictory, because if that person would’ve ‘understood’ he/she wouldn’t have taken you for granted. But still you are taken for granted, because you let them!!!

We more often than not have mistaken assertiveness for aggression. Assertiveness is a balance between passiveness (non-assertiveness) and aggressiveness. Assertiveness is practiced by following 5 C’s:

Coolness: Be calm and cool. Do not lose your temper because the other person is taking you for granted. Because that person is behaving in a certain manner that is not acceptable to you.

Consider: Consider other persons point of view. Evaluate if you need to change something in you that is the result of such behavior of the concerned person. Check whether the person is really taking you for granted.

Communicate: Practicing above two points, communicate in an affirmative tone so that the person is not offended at the same time give the message that you are speaking for what you deserve. And you deserve to be respected and not taken for granted.

Clarify: Communicate to clarify that you cannot be taken for granted and henceforth you need to be treated with respect. Just clarify that you’ll not be taking the earlier treatment and you’ll be standing up for what you deserve.

Consequences: Be ready for the consequences. Sometimes if you’ve been passive for too long, the person might be taken aback with this sudden change. In such cases, you must be mentally prepared and be ready for it, because it for your own self-esteem.

Be Assertive and watch you Self-Esteem and in turn Self-Confidence go Sky High!!!

Assertiveness is not what you do, it’s who you are! – Shakti Gawain

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Anger to Tranquility

Posted on May 6, 2012. Filed under: Self-Investment | Tags: , , , , , |

Anger to Tranquility

When it is impossible for anger to arise within you, you find no outside enemies anywhere.
An outside enemy exists only if there is anger inside. – Lama Zopa Rinpoche
As the proverb puts it right; anger creates enemy which exist in you and gradually eats you up from the inside. Anger is nothing more than an emotion that robs off your energy feeling you remorse. It‘s like a wild animal let loose and everybody is scared of it.
Anger generally emanates due to absence of understanding of relations because basically that’s where the emotions take birth. Emotions surface up the moment we interact with other person which makes grooves on your mind. In solitude, we contemplate upon them to find a solution in vain because the damage is done. An angry person shouts to a person who is just a feet away to state his argument because the distance between the hearts have increased and they can no more hear each other. When anger disappears and love takes its place automatically the relationship is healed. Origin of anger is linked to relations because a few strained relations build up the anger and that same anger is reflected in mundane things.
We are what food we eat; this is an apt saying even in case of anger. Angry person tends to eat spicy, hot pungent food that plays havoc within the body and with the organs. A person eating hot spicy food tends to get angry and an angry person tends to eat ho spicy food, so this being vicious circle person is trapped inside, unconsciously. To get out of this; being aware of arising anger in oneself seems difficult or rather impossible; one way to tackle this easy way out is to consciously stop intake of hot and spicy food. When a person is angry the breath gets shallow, leaving heart gasping for fresh oxygen creating a pressure on heart and its veins, palpitation arise and results in perspiration. An angry person holds the stomach inside that creates pressure on the digestive system; hampering the system by circulating the toxins. These toxins spread to the whole body working as a slow poison. In a nutshell a person getting angry pushes himself towards death by cutting short his own life. Nobody wants to die early everybody want to live as long as they can. Even if an angry person after realizing all this feels helpless in the sense that the person understands the ill-effects of anger but cannot get out of it. It is same as an addicted smoker or a drunker who realizes the consequences of it but can’t get out of it.
Common misconception is that something you practice like taking a deep breath or counting, while you realize you are getting angry, will not work. Since those who have practiced, realize that in that state of mind even the thought of counting or deep breathing does not come that easily. Key to that is being always vigilant towards the emotions, by being in control of your mind and channelizing the energy.
Another aspect in which people fail to manage anger is, they suppress it. It does not do any good, since it’s just suppressed, but it’s still there. It is like sweeping your house and pushing the dust under the carpet so that no one sees it. Anger management works only if it helps you go beyond expressing or suppressing the anger. For anger, expressing or suppressing either way is detrimental to any situation. The right understanding is that to channelize the energy that one puts into exhibiting the anger. Way to channelize is to do the things that you enjoy the most, that which takes you beyond time and hunger. Such activities channelize your energy which is wasted in anger, ending up feeling regretted. When you do the things that you enjoy the most, you are in control of your mind and open to new things, which instills in you the quality of inner vigilance. This very inner vigilance is the key to anger management. Once this inner vigilance is practiced, flames of anger are doused and tranquility sets in which is noticeable externally also.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned – Buddha


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